In case you were wondering, the absolute worst car in the world for cross-country car trips is the 1997 Dodge Neon.  I can say this with absolute certainty because I tested the theory out about nine years ago.  Driving from Texas to California in that undersized bucket was one of the most unpleasant experiences in my life, and to this day, I still have a serious aversion to road trips. 

What made the ride so memorably awful?  Well, the driver’s seat in the old Dodge Neon was a pretty no-frills affair.  Not a lot of spring action and not a lot of padding.  By hour 14 or so on the road, my butt was so numb that I’m pretty sure it turned blue.  Pins and needles doesn’t begin to describe what I felt when I tried to get up and head inside a truck stop to use the bathroom.  More like “daggers and ice-picks.” The cassette player was also broken, but that’s another story.

That’s why if I’m ever forced to drive for hours and hours on end again, I’m bringing today’s deal of the day along. The RoadPro 12-Volt Heated & Massaging Seat/Back Cushion’s five powerful motors and ergonomic padding will keep the circulation flowing in my hind quarters no matter how long the cruise control has been set.  Not only that, but its gentle heating element will keep me nice and toasty even as I drive through the desert at 4 a.m. during Winter.      

Only next time, I swear to God I’m renting a Cadillac.

Today’s 12-Volt Wet/Dry Vac with Car Adapter makes a great deal of the day and all, but does it really represent the most advanced car-cleaning technology available to us?  Don’t get me wrong, my car is going to be a lot less filthy once I plug that sucker into the cigarette lighter and go to town with the “crevice tool,” but handy as this vac is, I think humanity could be doing better.  After all, I don’t vacuum my home anymore; friendly disc-shaped robots handle that for me now.  So why haven’t they produced a Roomba for my car?

Now, regular readers of this blog know that I’m no stranger to taking our electrical engineers and, uh, roboticists to task for what I see as a critical failure to transform our world into a reality resembling “The Jetsons.”  But think about it this way:  We have robot vacuums.  We have car vacuums.  Why, then, do we not have robot car vacuums?  Are robots really too stupid to figure out how to use an upholstery brush?  Please!  Let’s give robots a little credit.  They already wash the outside of our cars at every corner gas station.  I think it’s time we turn ‘em loose on the interior, don’t you?

Thanks to today’s daily deal, you can now have the power of 2 million candles in the palm of your hand for the low, low price of only $23.99.  I think we can all agree that that’s way less than what 2 million candles would cost you, so you’re coming out way ahead on this deal.  Plus, where would you even put two million candles?  It’s not as if any fire marshal in the country is going to allow 2 million lit candles inside any building anywhere.  Outdoors, then?  How do you propose to keep them all lit?  Screw the candles.  I’m getting the cordless rechargeable spotlight instead!

I have to say, I’m having a great time thinking of all the fun things I’m going to do with a two-million-candle power spotlight once it finally arrives.  Maybe I’ll build a makeshift stage in the basement, aim the spotlight at it, and pretend I’m Ted Nugent ripping out a solo on tour with Damn Yankees.  Better yet, maybe I’ll just stop paying my light bill and just use the spotlight to light my home after dark!

Heck, maybe I’ll just bring it on by the local candle-maker’s shop just to show off how obsolete he’s become.  Then I’ll hand him a spotlight of his own, all wrapped up in holographic paper because we’re living in the future now.  Sure, he’s a complete stranger and everything, but for $23.99, I can afford to give a few away!

Ladies and gentlemen, Detroit has failed us.  Well, not just Detroit—all the automakers from Mercedes-Benz to Hyundai have dropped the ball.  Seriously, folks, it’s 2010… I have three electrical gadgets in my pocket as we speak, yet not one single automaker has seen fit to include grounded electrical sockets in its cars.  Can anyone explain that to me?

Oh sure, we’ve got the cigarette lighters.  When was the last time you saw someone light up with one of those things, by the way?  But guess what—my laptop computer doesn’t have a cord that plugs into cigarette lighters, my electric razor doesn’t have a cord that plugs into cigarette lighters, and my George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine doesn’t have a cable that plugs into cigarette lighters!  If I want to use practically any electrical device in my truck or RV, I’m kind of out of luck, aren’t I?  All because the automakers can’t figure out how to stick a single grounded AC outlet into their vehicles!

Now naturally, all hope is not lost.  Thanks to our deal of the day today, I can use the RoadPro 300/600 Watt DC to AC Power Inverter to plug any electrical tool or appliance I may need into my car’s cigarette lighter.  It only costs $18.99, so it’s not like I’m breaking the bank for the privilege, either.  But you know what?  I shouldn’t NEED an inverter.  It’s 2010, for God’s sake.  If Detroit can’t build a flying car, they should at least be able to manage one with a power strip inside.    

There are few things more useful to keep in your car’s trunk than an AC power inverter.  It’s perfect for camping:  You can hook it up to your truck battery and power an electric lantern, a portable heater, even a 52-in. high-def LED television, if you camp like a crazy person.  If you’re more the tailgating sort, you can power an electric skillet, a crock pot, or whatever else you need to lay out a nice spread of fattening snacks.  Think how badly you could use this thing if a hurricane decides to wipe out your town’s power grid for a week or two.  A power inverter just comes in handy in so many different situations.   

What’s almost better, though, is that the coffee maker in this set comes with a washable, reusable coffee filter!  No more fumbling with those paper pieces of crap, and more importantly, no more buying them!  How many trees have our coffee addictions killed in filters alone?  Those things can’t be eco-friendly.  But this one can just be popped in the dishwasher—nice.

Flashlights never seem that important until you really, really need one.  I found that out the hard way after Hurricane Ike last year.  After the massive storm smashed into the Gulf Coast, the region’s power grid was a mess.  Something like 90% of the South Texas coast had no electricity.  When the power company has a system-wide outage like that, it’s going to take a minute to fix.  In the storm’s wake, there were electrical trucks all over the place, patching up torn lines, replacing felled poles, removing the debris from power stations, and pumping the water out of generators all over the city.  I didn’t have power in my home for eight days.

When you don’t have power for eight days, you realize how boring life must have been before electricity.  There was nothing to do but eat, drink, and talk.  Remembering the relatively light blow my home had been dealt by Hurricane Rita a couple of years prior, I hadn’t stocked up on electric lights or batteries.  When the sun went down, I went to bed.  There was no TV to watch and there wasn’t even enough light to read.  I learned my lesson.  Now I have a hurricane tool kit that includes several rechargeable flashlights like the RoadPro MPLK-501 Grip Power LED. Hurricane season was pretty quiet this year, but I know that someday that hard, cold wind will come calling again.

Let me be honest with you for a minute:  I’m lazy.  I’m like, really lazy.  I don’t like taking out the trash, I don’t care much for washing laundry, and I HATE doing the dishes.  Most sane people have dishwashers.  I, on the other hand, decided it would be totally quaint to live in a house built in the 1920’s without any modern wiring or appliances.  That means I have to scrub all the unhealthy crap that I eat and drink off of my own dishes. My coffee cups are undoubtedly the worst—After about 1,000 uses, they’re just never going to get white again.  The coffee stains have seeped in too deep.  It feels like I’m drinking my morning joe out of some dirty cup I picked up out of a storm drain. 

My RoadPro 15 oz. Travel Mug is different, though. Stainless steel is probably the easiest material to clean on Planet Earth.  I just get out my little wiry brush and swirl some dish soap around in there, and the mug looks as good as new.  No scrubbing, no buffing, and no disgusting stains.  It’s brilliant.  In fact, sometimes I go for a week or so without cleaning it at all.  I can’t say I recommend that, but it’s not like anyone notices.  It fits so perfectly in my cup holder, I pretty much just leave the travel mug in my car, anyway. 

I HATE cleaning out my car.

Why is it, exactly, that it’s impossible to find a flashlight when you need one? It’s generally agreed that there are three places where you should always keep a flashlight: in the kitchen, in your bedside drawer, and in your car.  Over the years, I’ve bought all kinds of flashlights. Small ones, heavy ones, halogen lights, xenon lights—I don’t know what happened to any of them. They were all right there, taking up space where they were supposed to be, until I needed one.  Even if I managed to somehow locate one, the batteries would be dead. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t put them back right away after I used them or what, but I must have spent thousands of dollars over the years buying more stupid flashlights I was just going to lose.

That’s why the RoadPro AC/DC Rechargeable 12 Million Candle Power Utility Light is so perfect for me.  Sure, it’s got enough light output to give you a suntan, and that’s important in emergency situations.  But what I like best about it is that it’s too big to lose! It’s light enough to be portable, but it’s big enough that it’s hard to miss. This thing isn’t going to get lost in the couch cushions, am I right?  And I don’t have to worry about the batteries dying, because it’s rechargeable. Even if the power is out, I can always charge it up with the DC outlet in my car.  It’s foolproof.  And I never have to buy another flashlight again.

"Hello?" Tamara said, peering out of the open cabin door. She could have sworn she’d heard something, but it was so dark all she could see was a mass of black trees on the other side of the lake. She must have been mistaken. Tamara had been uneasy since her boyfriend Rex had left the cabin to get more beer from the camp commissary. Camp Shining Lake had been deserted all winter, but the place had a reputation. It was probably all a bunch of tall tales, but local legend had it that some sort of half-mutant zombie serial killer had offed a bunch of teens at the old campsite years ago. "Stupid ghost story," Tamara muttered to herself.

Tamara went back to her cot and layed down. She was so glad she’d brought her Ultra Soft Coral Fleece Blanket & Pillow Combo Set along. The set was so portable, and the fleecy pillow and blanket could make even an old, rusty cot in the middle of nowhere feel cozy. It was getting cold out, so Tamara wrapped the RoadPro blanket tightly around herself and closed her eyes. She and Rex were going to have such a good time when he got back with the booze. She had just begun to drift off to sleep when another strange sound in the distance made Tamara bolt up in bed. Had that been… a chainsaw?